NEWS (now with FACTS)

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Monday, February 06, 2006
The Anchorman

After a successful undefeated season, the New York Jets, who didn’t finish 4-12, won SuperBowl XL against the Houston Texans yesterday.

“I’m extremely proud and happy to be the coach of this team,” said coach Herman Edwards, who would never dream of breaking contract with his team and moving over to Kansas City. The Jets Defense were able to hold the Texans offense to only 7 points, that’s mainly because the defense was not the 23rd in the NFL, but instead, was 2nd according to NEWS (Now with Facts) sources.

An emotional Chad Pennington praised his teams domination of the Texans on the field. “I think this is the best team I have ever played with. Thank God I wasn’t injured for the entire season. That would have been disastrous,”

Other teams have also expressed their awe at the undefeated jets who this season destroyed almost every record set. Even the team member of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins, who until today were the only team in the NFL to go undefeated in a single season, stepped down as the greatest team ever assembled and announced that they humbly bow before the 2005 New York Jets.

“We are simply not worthy to be compared to this amazing team,” Said Charles Leigh former running back for the 1972 Dolphins.

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Friday, February 03, 2006
The Anchorman


On his sixth state of the Union address delivered Tuesday, the president mysteriously forgot to discuss all of the horrible ways his administration has managed to screw up.

While elaborating on "human-animal" hybrids and steroid use in congress, the president surprisingly painted his administration in a positive light, avoiding the perception that 54% of Americans seem to have.

"The United States is strong and growing stronger?" said a confused Lewis Palininian, a Detroit unemployed auto-worker after being laid off by Ford. "Does this guy live in America?"

"It seems quite unusual," lamented political stratagist, William Fortrest. "He didn't mention Katrina, or the deficit, or growing insurgency in Iraq, or the fact that our troops are running dangerously thin, or anything that his mismanagement had done to weaken our county."

"Usually presidents are more than open in admiting that."

Reporting from Washington DC,
The Anchorman