NEWS (now with FACTS)

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
The Anchorman

President Bush’s new attack ad is attacking the Democrats attack to the original ad launched by President Bush, which attacks Democrats.

“Aren’t you sick and tired of the Democrats calling the President ‘irresponsible’ and ‘negligent’ while attacking Democrats?” says the ominous voice over in the RNC sponsored ad. “Then call Democrats and let them know that attacking the president over his attacks is not the way democracy works.”

The ad, which is set to run on television and radio stations in key states during the campaign of many Republican senators and congressmen, is in response to DNC sponsored ad that attacks the president’s original attack ad.

“What type of president would be this irresponsible and negligent in attacking democrats for legitimately questioning his poor handling of foreign and domestic policy?” Says the equally ominous voice over in the Democratic ad. “A bad president, that’s what type.”

The ad, which was sparked by Bush’s original attack ad, is intended to stop the lowering of the political decorum to simple slander and mudslinging.

“Democrats suck,” were the only words printed in the original attack ad presented by the Republicans, at the beginning of the campaign coverage in 2006.

Reporting form Washington DC,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Monday, January 16, 2006
The Anchorman

Despite being in control of the executive, house, and senate, Republicans have managed to spend more money that their Democratic counterparts (when they were in control), and have raised another high in debts, calling into question the legitimacy of the long time conservative stance against Big Government.

“Of course we are against big government,” said conservative big spender George Allen (R-VI), “…In theory, I mean.”

“As long as we control the three branches of the government, we will probably spend like drunken sailors. But if Democrats regain control and try to pass a bill helping the poor or disadvantaged, well more than likely raise hell,” said Allen.

Another form of Big Government conservatives have always, in theory, been against is unregulated watch dogging. “But now it would appear we don’t really care if ‘Big Government’ taps your phones without a court order, or arrests and holds you without charging you,” said another tax-and-spend conservative Wayne Allard (R-CO).“In theory, we believe that Government should stay out of your business…until we become the government, then we don’t really thing you should smoke pot or have an abortion.”

Democrats, former supporters of ‘Big Government’, in theory, have recently been trying to reduce the size of the government by leaps and bounds. Through the act of reducing the federal government’s role in assisted suicides, religious sponsorship, and personal choice that doesn’t appear to fall in like with Judeo-Christian values, Democrates have in essence become the new sponsors of conservatism. And the object of Micheal Moore’s wraith.

Reporting from Washington DC,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Sunday, January 15, 2006
The Anchorman

Kate O’Beirne, Washington DC village idiot and editor of the National Review, has recently written a book entitled Women Who Make the World Worse: and How Their Radical Feminist Assault Is Ruining Our Schools, Families, Military, and Sports, a scathing assault on feminism, from which O’Beirne has not benefited from at all.

The premise of Kate’s book is that women who want equality are “making the world worse” because they approve of…. you know… Equality. Which if reaches its full potential would mean that men will be forced to give birth, and women will have to pee standing up. Another glum characteristic of an equal state is “Sex in the City”, a show frequently attacked by O’Beirne, will become mandatory viewing in schools. The apparent forced discussions of “vagina depression” will lead to nothing but more terrorism.

“I don’t see why so many people are upset with the premises of the book,” said O’Beirne, while cooking dinner for her husband who had a hard day at the office. “Feminists are destroying our country by making it seem like women are capable of doing things a man can do. Like working full-time, making decisions for themselves, or getting paid equal wages on the dollar. I don’t want that kind of responsibility and I’m assuming, without thinking, no woman does.”

“The Christian faith clearly points out that it was women who sinned first. Even Muslim heathens believe that women are lesser than men. So, am I stepping out of bounds by believing that women should cook and clean to please their men for a living?”

“No,” concluded O’Beirne as she began to clean her husband's feet.

In a related story, misogynists everywhere are upset with O’Beirne’s husband for not “smacking the talk out of that woman,” and “allowing her to write a book.” A claim O’Beirne vehemently denies.

Reporting from the local village idiots house,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Saturday, January 14, 2006
The Anchorman

After returning from his 17th vacation of the year, Bush read a quick paragraph long synopsis of the Iranian situation, and then embarrassingly asked “If anyone had heard from Sharon lately?”

“What’s that old bastard up to?” said Bush with a smile while punching Vice President Cheney in the arm. “Out hunting the ‘lolita’s’?”

Ariel Sharon who suffered a stroke in early January, and much to the president’s ignorance, has been hospital bound for over a week, has not called Bush to inform the President of his reoccurring stroke.

“I bet he’s living it up in Israel, right now, just drinking some booze, he he.”

Sharon’s political career is all but over, as this is his second stroke in just under a month. Yet, there are many people who stand in front of the hospital doors with white signs that read “Sharon wake up you have work to do”, “We love you Sharon”, and “Have you seen my remote control?”

“Hmm, I sure hope he liked the life time subscription to the “All you can eat Knishes” gift I got for him.”

Reporting from the White House,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Friday, January 13, 2006
The Anchorman

The members of “Heaven’s Gate” Cult, whose suicide pact in 1997 shocked the world, no longer likes heaven after living there for 8 years. Led by Marshall Applewhite, the cult members knew that a UFO was following Hale-Bopp comet and that they were to leave their ‘earthly bodies’ to be taken to Heaven. The successful exodus of their earthly vessels led to, what appeared to us uninformed people, to be 39 suicides. Yet, heaven doesn’t appear to be as cool as they had assumed when they first arrived, according to an interview with the cult members.

“At first I was all excited to be here,” Applewhite said in his new pair of Nikes. “But this place is dumb. It is just like Wisconsin, except without the cows.”

Recruiter Chad McMannin also expressed his disappointment “I can’t believe I castrated myself for this place. If it had to be a life time of sex or an eternity in this place, I would have most certainly chosen to keep my meat and potatoes.”

“On Monday we pray, on Tuesday we pray, on Wednesday we pray some more, on Thursday we make macaroni necklaces, which isn’t as cool as it sounds after eight years.”

Some of the cult members have tried to escape heaven, only to find out that their efforts just leave them even deeper into heaven’s blissful, and dull, harmony.

“Its like this place isn’t heaven at all,” said Applewhite, “it’s almost like its… Heeeey, wait a minute…”

Reporting from Hell,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
The Anchorman

Despite reports from leading economists that the future of US economy is in some sort of limbo and news about its direction cannot be assessed, many republicans and democrats have used their psychic abilities to assess what 2006 will hold, surprisingly, with different results.

“I see grave misfortune for the US, whose leader is unable to be fiscally responsible,” chanted Democratic Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). “It’s hazy,” she continued, “but we may lose more net jobs in 2006.”

Yet during his trance, Republican psychic Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE) saw nothing but good news for the economy of the US. “There are… children playing outside Wall Street, waving flags. Inside—just one second—I see, um, the Dow Jones rising daily.” He sighed and exclaimed “we’re all going to be rich.”

America has always been blessed with psychic politicians even as early as the days of Washington who declared “I feel one day there will be airplanes in the sky, and ‘vehicles’ moving rapidly across the hard surface of the earth. Music will be played with a small device called an ‘Ipod’. And Americans will become angry and bitter, because television pundits tell them to be.”

But not all of the psychic politicians have been right on the money. Famous case in point was Rumsfield’s comment on Feb 7, 2003 about the Iraq war: “It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months. ” A psychic prediction that was waaaay of the mark.

While many critics believe that politicians of today are not truly psychic and are just trying to paint the future that fits best with their party’s agenda, the “psychic” politicians have been right so far in predicting that Americans don’t listen to critics or experts or any form of objectivity at all. Giving the psychic politicians some credibility.

Reporting from Washington DC,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
The Anchorman

Following five years of being owned in the House, Senate, Judiciary, Executive, and Pie Eating contest, Democrats yesterday released their new plan to get themselves back into a position of political ownership. The single page document titled “Get Head out of our Asses” was released to the press complete with the signature of minority senate representative Harry Reid and house democratic leader Nancy Pelosi.

“We just have to face facts that the majority of Americans don’t follow the news” said Nancy Pelosi. “They follow rumors, commercials, and sports. It’s time the Democratic party gets in line with these values.” She then added “Did you hear that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) rapes puppies? I personally think that’s disgusting.”

Democrats also decided to increase their funding to their political advertisement department, in hopes to sway personal opinion from the right. “If the majority of voters don’t care that the president misled us into war, or violated civil liberties, or dropped the ball on Katrina, then perhaps they will care when we this commercial shows that there may have been a homosexual relationship between male prostitute Jeff Gannon and President Bush” said Harry Reid, yesterday, during a press conference. The commercial in question contains a digital image of President Bush performing fellatio on the controversial journalist, Jeff Gannon, who was revealed to be a male escort given special access to the White House.

“Republicans have been pulling this shit for years; they call us traitors, weak, and liars. It’s time to take it up a notch,” said Howard Dean just before he whispered “You remember when Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) compared homosexuality to bestiality? According to my sources, *cough* he should know.”

Democrats claim that this new direction of attack is ‘karma’ for years of abuse that they have suffered under the hand of what they call “the republican machine”. “In a couple of months they convinced their base that John Kerry had shot himself to get out of Vietnam, only after he chased down an unarmed Vietnamese boy, shot him in the back and then ate his heart while chanting Latin,”former vice president nominee John Edwards said to NEWS (Now with Facts). “Trust me, its fair game.”

Reporting from the Democratic Headquarters in Washington DC,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Monday, January 09, 2006
The Anchorman

Although transferring uranium enriching programs from Iran to Russia would be an “improvement” according Dick Cheney, “I just have some nagging doubts that this is actually a good idea.”

The program dubbed “ABI” (Anywhere But Iran) is intended to move potentially catastrophic nuclear material out of Iran and to a less crazy nation. Yet, the program that is backed by the European Union and the United States, may move the nuclear material onto Russian soil to assure that the nuclear catalyst is used for energy. However, there are some in the US who have not been shy about lamenting their unease.

“I mean this is Russia… does no one else remember Russia? Formerly Soviet Union?” concerned Donald Rumsfeld said at a senate hearing about unrelated Iraq security matters. Rumsfeld, a big James Bond fan, couldn’t let the matter be dropped until someone understood the unexpressed danger. “It’s not saying they are going to do anything. I’m sure they’re not, I-I hope they don’t. But…*gesturing* you know…Russia.”

Iran has insists that the nuclear program is strictly meant for energy purposes and not intended for weapons of mass destruction or terrorist stocking stuffers. Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said yesterday in broken English “Iran doesn’t want a nuclear weapon, there big and ugly. What if it accidentally goes off in my garage? No, thank you. Us wanting a nuclear weapon would be like the Jews accepting that the holocaust never happened . We don’t want a nuclear weapon, icky."

Reporting from Tehran, Iran,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Monday, January 09, 2006
The Anchorman

Only months after Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans destroying homes, businesses, and killing Americans, the city has “almost 100% completely recovered”, according to the White House press release.

Newly renovated home ready for occupants!

“The great people of New Orleans have shown that they are capable of recuperating from almost 26 billion dollars worth of damage and loss,” said President Bush yesterday while speaking at a hospital in Michigan, “almost in a blink of an eye.”

When asked if he was going to assign federal money to build better levees to protect New Orleans from future hurricanes and floods. President Bush responded “Why? I don’t think you read the press release, New Orleans is O-K. I have personally seen satellite photos of the whole area and it looks just like any other city.”

“Therefore, everything is fine.”

In addition to satellite photos, the White House determined New Orleans’s status through the lack of news coverage of the destruction. “The news had decreased significantly around the holidays and as of today has practically ceased,” remarked FEMA director David Paulison. “The only logical conclusion is that if there is no news coverage, there is no problem.”

Another source used in the press release was the lack of money going to New Orleans’s rebuilding effort. “American’s are generous people, if they stop donating to a cause then that is probably because the cause has been solved,” reiterated a convinced Paulison.

Reporting from the White House,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Monday, January 09, 2006
The Anchorman

“Fuck this job” were the only words written on Tom DeLay’s resignation letter he sent to the speaker of the house, Dennis Hastert, last Saturday. Tom DeLay resigns his position as the House’s Majority leader following, what some dubbed, a career of corruption and failure to effectively blame others for his mistakes.

Delay’s problems intensified after Jack Abramoff’s plea deal with prosecutors, in which he plead guilty to 3 felony counts, fraud, tax evasion, and pooping in public. One of the conditions of the deal was Abramoff help prosecutors with their investigation. This, of course, spells trouble for the embattled Republican, as DeLay and Abramoff were virtually dating, and some sources say, rounding third base. Yet, despite criticisms from both sides of the aisle, Delay maintains his innocence and vows vengeance against the republicans who have “forsaken him.”

“There is a reason why they call me the Hammer,” shrieked Delay, “just watch, I’ll come back and make all of you my slaves. All of you!” After threatening slavery upon his fellow congressmen, DeLay then disappeared from reporter’s eyes for just a moment and reemerged covered in blood. “ALL OF YOU!”

“I think there is one thing that we can all agree on, Democrat or Republican,” Congressman Sam Farr (D - CA) stated in a press release yesterday, “and that is Tom DeLay owes me money. I loaned him 15 dollars, and did not anticipate his resignation.” Congressman Vernon J. Ehlers (R - MI) remarked as well that Delay resignation is a disastrous blow to “corrupt politicians everywhere.” Eller believed that without DeLay then the focus may be brought on to other “less corrupt politicians, who maybe take a bribe every now and again, but don’t really vote against the people…not that I know anybody like that.”

Reporting from Washington DC,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Sunday, January 08, 2006
The Anchorman

The King of Pop, Michael Jackson, has reported that he is elated with the news that he is being sued for failing to pay vet bills and not molesting children. Less than a year after he was tried and found innocent of child molestation charges, the 47 year old virgin, declared his admiration for Martin Dinnes, the plaintiff, who is suing Jackson for $91,602.

“The whole child molestation thing was just scary, and anxiety riddled. It is so great to be able to go through with this court case without fear that if I am found guilty I will be sent to prison and forever deemed a pervert,” said the pop star, who judging from that statement, may not own a TV. “I just wish this will get great coverage and everyone will realize that I can do ‘normal’ crimes as well” concluded Jackson, who then giggled mercilessly before screaming “I love you, Bubbles!”

Although the other Jackson family members could not be reached for comment, Tito, who wasn’t “really all that busy” when NEWS (Now with Facts) called, did offer his expressive love and admiration to Jackson. “He earned this,” said the older brother of Jackson, “he deserves it.”

But not everyone is happy with Jackson’s upcoming case, the crowd that stood outside Jackson’s molestation trial in 2004, known as “Wacko for Jacko” supporters, aren’t all that happy with what some of them consider to be “further advancement of the world wide conspiracy against Michael Jackson.”

Jessica Miller, 49, who dressed up as a clown for no apparent reason at the last Jackson trial, was looking forward to some peace and quiet when she heard the news of Jackson’s upcoming trial. “I’m appalled,” she cried, “He is like a God. He should be able to rip off anyone he chooses. I hope this Martin “Devil” Dinnes never heard any of Michael’s albums, because if he did then it is HE who owes JACKSON, like, a bajillion dollars.” After which Miller proceeded to weep uncontrollably, singing “Thriller.”

Reporting from Santa Maria, California,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Sunday, January 08, 2006
The Anchorman

“My parents told me there was a Santa Clause. He would come to my house on the birth of the prophet Jesus Christ, and leave me presents. Then once I caught my dad placing the gifts under the Kalabalashamalaka [sic]. I was crushed to learn that there was no such thing as Santa, and now my spirit will not allow me to believe in anything ever again, especially the Holocaust.”

This sad tale was told by Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, following criticism that he claimed that the murder of a million Jews was a ”myth”. “Of course I do not wish to offend anyone, but if I can’t trust my own parents to be honest to me, what hope do the greedy Jews have.” The president later apologized for that remark, as well.

The anti-Semitic statements come at a tumultuous time in which Iran is trying to advance their nuclear program, but is facing increasing pressure to cease doing so. “If the Iranian president has the mental capacity of a six year old, why should we trust him with nuclear capabilities?” said US press secretary Scott McClellan shortly after Ahmadinejad expressed his distrust brought about by the lack of Santa. “I was hurt too when I found out that there was no Santa, but come on, I dealt with it like any school boy did, by continuously wetting the bed, not denying the holocaust.”

Searching archives reveals that this is not the first time the Iranian president has failed to accept documented historical facts in retaliation to mythical disappointments.
• “What do you mean there is no Tooth Fairy? Then there must be no such thing as Americans landing on the moon, as well!”
• “My head advisors have recently informed me that the Easter Bunny is fictitious. You know what else is fictitious, I think? Elvis’s death.”
• “Batman isn’t real? But I see him on TV. Then it is clear…9-11 is a lie!”

Reporting from Tehran, Iran,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Saturday, January 07, 2006
The Anchorman

President Bush has been under heavy criticism lately after the New York Times released an article detailing an NSA spying program that circumvented the law and courts. After admitting to spying on Americans without a court order, Bush defended himself by saying “If I obey the constitution, then the terrorists have won.”

The fourth amendment, or as conservatives call it, the “French” amendment, details that one’s privacy and property shall not be subjected to Government inspection without a court ordered warrant. Technological advancements had made it necessary for the law to include phones, computers, and photocopies of one’s ass, as part of “property”. President Bush argues that the belief of the founding fathers that checks and balances are necessary to prevent corruption of the government is nothing more than “liberal paranoia” and “not relevant with this administration, which has ‘accountability’ written all over it.”

“It’s my duty to protect the people of America from terrorists,” said the President in a press conference last Tuesday. “If you question the way I do it, then the only conclusion is: You must be with the terrorists.” The president’s speech has become the main conservative talking point as cries of “Domestic spying is against the law” were followed by the rebuttal, “Shut up, Terrorist!”

Although it has been claimed that the domestic spying is a small program, President Bush has expressed a wish that it would expand into national spying craze. “I just want American citizens to be so protected that there every move is watched, I don’t know, like, mandatory surveillance. I just think it would be great if they were forced to have, like, opposite televisions in their homes, where the government can watch them. But, well, not the government because we conservatives don’t like a big government, but perhaps a nicer, friendlier watchful organization, something like a ‘Big Brother’ who watches over all of the little brothers and sisters in this great nation. Then, and only then, will we be able to win the war on terror.”

Reporting from Washington DC,
The Anchorman

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Saturday, January 07, 2006
The Anchorman

After Pat Robertson made remarks about Sharon’s stroke being due to his "dividing God's land", an angry Lord came down and quickly retorted, “Robertson, just shut the fuck up!”

Pat Robertson, televangelist for the “700 club”, claims he is in direct communication with God, and is "his messanger". Yet, recently his promotion of the assassination of Venezuela's president, calling 9-11 an act of God’s wrath on America, and now Sharon’s illness another act of God, has seemingly caused the creator of the universe and all that is, a little distress.

“I mean, I just don’t get it,” lamented God, after hearing Robertson’s remarks, “doesn’t he think before he talks? Every religion in the world paints me in a positive light and yet Robertson will not rest until everyone believes that I’m this angry, pissed off deity.” God also added "I don't talk to Pat Robertson any more than I talk to a guy on the corner of the street with a sign that reads 'God told me to tell you I need booze'."

God, who has been known to cause miracles in some areas of the world such as appearing on a tortilla, has rarely admitted to harming people as punishment. “God doesn’t kill people,” God claims “Well yes I do, but not often.” And Yet, Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and the crazy guy who holds the sign on the end of the street, continue to believe that in addition to the good miracles (such as the creation of David Blane), God is also responsible for bad everyday natural occurrences (such as strokes and the Dixie Chicks). “Why does everyone always blame me? I’m not a dick.” However, God does admit to giving Pat Robertson prostate cancer, only claiming “It serves him right!”

Reporting from Heaven's Gate,
The Anchorman

I Am "The Anchorman" 

Good Day Readers,

As I currently type this I am sure I have no readers...Yet. But my impressive investigative work has been seen throughout the main stream media. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, NBC, CNBC, CBS, ABC, The New York Times, The New York Post, as well as the Yakowski Family Newsletter, have all benefited from my investigative abilities. I exposed the Iran Contra, the Clinton Affair, and Santa's abusive homosexuality.
But I have recently become disgusted with the Main Stream Media's lack of humanity while reporting the news. They focus on the negative, while ignoring the really negative.

My personal goal is to bring you the filth that regular news feels to "proper" to expose.
I will rely on my instinct and camouflage ability to collect the facts and bring them straight to you, my readers.

My solemn oath to you is that everything you read on this page will be nothing but straight, honest, reality. No spin and no lies. No anchovies either, I’m allergic.

Reporting in Washington DC,
The Anchorman