NEWS (now with FACTS)

NEWS (Now with Facts)
Friday, January 13, 2006
The Anchorman

The members of “Heaven’s Gate” Cult, whose suicide pact in 1997 shocked the world, no longer likes heaven after living there for 8 years. Led by Marshall Applewhite, the cult members knew that a UFO was following Hale-Bopp comet and that they were to leave their ‘earthly bodies’ to be taken to Heaven. The successful exodus of their earthly vessels led to, what appeared to us uninformed people, to be 39 suicides. Yet, heaven doesn’t appear to be as cool as they had assumed when they first arrived, according to an interview with the cult members.

“At first I was all excited to be here,” Applewhite said in his new pair of Nikes. “But this place is dumb. It is just like Wisconsin, except without the cows.”

Recruiter Chad McMannin also expressed his disappointment “I can’t believe I castrated myself for this place. If it had to be a life time of sex or an eternity in this place, I would have most certainly chosen to keep my meat and potatoes.”

“On Monday we pray, on Tuesday we pray, on Wednesday we pray some more, on Thursday we make macaroni necklaces, which isn’t as cool as it sounds after eight years.”

Some of the cult members have tried to escape heaven, only to find out that their efforts just leave them even deeper into heaven’s blissful, and dull, harmony.

“Its like this place isn’t heaven at all,” said Applewhite, “it’s almost like its… Heeeey, wait a minute…”

Reporting from Hell,
The Anchorman