Monday, February 06, 2006

 

New York Jets win SuperBowl


NEWS (Now with Facts)
Monday, February 06, 2006
The Anchorman

After a successful undefeated season, the New York Jets, who didn’t finish 4-12, won SuperBowl XL against the Houston Texans yesterday.

“I’m extremely proud and happy to be the coach of this team,” said coach Herman Edwards, who would never dream of breaking contract with his team and moving over to Kansas City. The Jets Defense were able to hold the Texans offense to only 7 points, that’s mainly because the defense was not the 23rd in the NFL, but instead, was 2nd according to NEWS (Now with Facts) sources.

An emotional Chad Pennington praised his teams domination of the Texans on the field. “I think this is the best team I have ever played with. Thank God I wasn’t injured for the entire season. That would have been disastrous,”

Other teams have also expressed their awe at the undefeated jets who this season destroyed almost every record set. Even the team member of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins, who until today were the only team in the NFL to go undefeated in a single season, stepped down as the greatest team ever assembled and announced that they humbly bow before the 2005 New York Jets.

“We are simply not worthy to be compared to this amazing team,” Said Charles Leigh former running back for the 1972 Dolphins.

Friday, February 03, 2006

 

STOU: President, oddly, avoids talking about all the bad things he's done


NEWS (Now with Facts)
Friday, February 03, 2006
The Anchorman


On his sixth state of the Union address delivered Tuesday, the president mysteriously forgot to discuss all of the horrible ways his administration has managed to screw up.

While elaborating on "human-animal" hybrids and steroid use in congress, the president surprisingly painted his administration in a positive light, avoiding the perception that 54% of Americans seem to have.

"The United States is strong and growing stronger?" said a confused Lewis Palininian, a Detroit unemployed auto-worker after being laid off by Ford. "Does this guy live in America?"

"It seems quite unusual," lamented political stratagist, William Fortrest. "He didn't mention Katrina, or the deficit, or growing insurgency in Iraq, or the fact that our troops are running dangerously thin, or anything that his mismanagement had done to weaken our county."

"Usually presidents are more than open in admiting that."

Reporting from Washington DC,
The Anchorman

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

 

Bush attacks the Democrat’s attack on Bush’s attacks on Democrats


NEWS (Now with Facts)
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
The Anchorman

President Bush’s new attack ad is attacking the Democrats attack to the original ad launched by President Bush, which attacks Democrats.

“Aren’t you sick and tired of the Democrats calling the President ‘irresponsible’ and ‘negligent’ while attacking Democrats?” says the ominous voice over in the RNC sponsored ad. “Then call Democrats and let them know that attacking the president over his attacks is not the way democracy works.”

The ad, which is set to run on television and radio stations in key states during the campaign of many Republican senators and congressmen, is in response to DNC sponsored ad that attacks the president’s original attack ad.

“What type of president would be this irresponsible and negligent in attacking democrats for legitimately questioning his poor handling of foreign and domestic policy?” Says the equally ominous voice over in the Democratic ad. “A bad president, that’s what type.”

The ad, which was sparked by Bush’s original attack ad, is intended to stop the lowering of the political decorum to simple slander and mudslinging.

“Democrats suck,” were the only words printed in the original attack ad presented by the Republicans, at the beginning of the campaign coverage in 2006.

Reporting form Washington DC,
The Anchorman

Monday, January 16, 2006

 

Conservatives are against Big Government…"in theory"


NEWS (Now with Facts)
Monday, January 16, 2006
The Anchorman

Despite being in control of the executive, house, and senate, Republicans have managed to spend more money that their Democratic counterparts (when they were in control), and have raised another high in debts, calling into question the legitimacy of the long time conservative stance against Big Government.

“Of course we are against big government,” said conservative big spender George Allen (R-VI), “…In theory, I mean.”

“As long as we control the three branches of the government, we will probably spend like drunken sailors. But if Democrats regain control and try to pass a bill helping the poor or disadvantaged, well more than likely raise hell,” said Allen.

Another form of Big Government conservatives have always, in theory, been against is unregulated watch dogging. “But now it would appear we don’t really care if ‘Big Government’ taps your phones without a court order, or arrests and holds you without charging you,” said another tax-and-spend conservative Wayne Allard (R-CO).“In theory, we believe that Government should stay out of your business…until we become the government, then we don’t really thing you should smoke pot or have an abortion.”

Democrats, former supporters of ‘Big Government’, in theory, have recently been trying to reduce the size of the government by leaps and bounds. Through the act of reducing the federal government’s role in assisted suicides, religious sponsorship, and personal choice that doesn’t appear to fall in like with Judeo-Christian values, Democrates have in essence become the new sponsors of conservatism. And the object of Micheal Moore’s wraith.

Reporting from Washington DC,
The Anchorman

Sunday, January 15, 2006

 

News Flash!!: Local Idiot Writes Book



NEWS (Now with Facts)
Sunday, January 15, 2006
The Anchorman

Kate O’Beirne, Washington DC village idiot and editor of the National Review, has recently written a book entitled Women Who Make the World Worse: and How Their Radical Feminist Assault Is Ruining Our Schools, Families, Military, and Sports, a scathing assault on feminism, from which O’Beirne has not benefited from at all.

The premise of Kate’s book is that women who want equality are “making the world worse” because they approve of…. you know… Equality. Which if reaches its full potential would mean that men will be forced to give birth, and women will have to pee standing up. Another glum characteristic of an equal state is “Sex in the City”, a show frequently attacked by O’Beirne, will become mandatory viewing in schools. The apparent forced discussions of “vagina depression” will lead to nothing but more terrorism.

“I don’t see why so many people are upset with the premises of the book,” said O’Beirne, while cooking dinner for her husband who had a hard day at the office. “Feminists are destroying our country by making it seem like women are capable of doing things a man can do. Like working full-time, making decisions for themselves, or getting paid equal wages on the dollar. I don’t want that kind of responsibility and I’m assuming, without thinking, no woman does.”

“The Christian faith clearly points out that it was women who sinned first. Even Muslim heathens believe that women are lesser than men. So, am I stepping out of bounds by believing that women should cook and clean to please their men for a living?”

“No,” concluded O’Beirne as she began to clean her husband's feet.

In a related story, misogynists everywhere are upset with O’Beirne’s husband for not “smacking the talk out of that woman,” and “allowing her to write a book.” A claim O’Beirne vehemently denies.

Reporting from the local village idiots house,
The Anchorman

Saturday, January 14, 2006

 

Bush: “Has anyone heard from Sharon lately?”


NEWS (Now with Facts)
Saturday, January 14, 2006
The Anchorman

After returning from his 17th vacation of the year, Bush read a quick paragraph long synopsis of the Iranian situation, and then embarrassingly asked “If anyone had heard from Sharon lately?”

“What’s that old bastard up to?” said Bush with a smile while punching Vice President Cheney in the arm. “Out hunting the ‘lolita’s’?”

Ariel Sharon who suffered a stroke in early January, and much to the president’s ignorance, has been hospital bound for over a week, has not called Bush to inform the President of his reoccurring stroke.

“I bet he’s living it up in Israel, right now, just drinking some booze, he he.”

Sharon’s political career is all but over, as this is his second stroke in just under a month. Yet, there are many people who stand in front of the hospital doors with white signs that read “Sharon wake up you have work to do”, “We love you Sharon”, and “Have you seen my remote control?”

“Hmm, I sure hope he liked the life time subscription to the “All you can eat Knishes” gift I got for him.”

Reporting from the White House,
The Anchorman

Friday, January 13, 2006

 

“Heaven’s Gate Cult” thinks heaven sucks now.


NEWS (Now with Facts)
Friday, January 13, 2006
The Anchorman

The members of “Heaven’s Gate” Cult, whose suicide pact in 1997 shocked the world, no longer likes heaven after living there for 8 years. Led by Marshall Applewhite, the cult members knew that a UFO was following Hale-Bopp comet and that they were to leave their ‘earthly bodies’ to be taken to Heaven. The successful exodus of their earthly vessels led to, what appeared to us uninformed people, to be 39 suicides. Yet, heaven doesn’t appear to be as cool as they had assumed when they first arrived, according to an interview with the cult members.

“At first I was all excited to be here,” Applewhite said in his new pair of Nikes. “But this place is dumb. It is just like Wisconsin, except without the cows.”

Recruiter Chad McMannin also expressed his disappointment “I can’t believe I castrated myself for this place. If it had to be a life time of sex or an eternity in this place, I would have most certainly chosen to keep my meat and potatoes.”

“On Monday we pray, on Tuesday we pray, on Wednesday we pray some more, on Thursday we make macaroni necklaces, which isn’t as cool as it sounds after eight years.”

Some of the cult members have tried to escape heaven, only to find out that their efforts just leave them even deeper into heaven’s blissful, and dull, harmony.

“Its like this place isn’t heaven at all,” said Applewhite, “it’s almost like its… Heeeey, wait a minute…”

Reporting from Hell,
The Anchorman

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